someone owes me an orgasm
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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