there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
