There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
