just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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