I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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