WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
