Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
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