Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
