Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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