Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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