Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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