the condom got lost in my hair
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
