Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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