I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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