She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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