God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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