I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
