Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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