phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
