she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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