Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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