I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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