Got a toothbrush?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
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