i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
