I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
