I hate all girls vehemently.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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