I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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