I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
