the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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