Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
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