Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
