found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
