I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
