There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
