Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
