Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
We're facebook friends in real life
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
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