Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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