rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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