I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
