I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
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