i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
