so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
