Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
