i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
