I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
