I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
It's blow job season.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
