opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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