Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
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