You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
