dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
