It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I came so hard my ears popped.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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