There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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