so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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